Storytelling Week Six: Bad First Date

Bad First Date

{Radio Hosts} “Hey man, this is Cash and Bradley’s Second Date on K 95.5 Tulsa. What can we do for you?”

{Skull} “Hey y'all, my name is Skull and I went on what I thought was a really great date with this beautiful girl named Afiong. I thought we had a great time and now she isn’t returning my calls. I would really like to know why she doesn’t want to go on a second date. “

{Radio Hosts} “Yeah man, let’s give her a call and see what she has to say.”

[Phone rings.]

{Female voice} “Hello?”

{Radio Hosts} “Hello! Is this Afiong?"

{Female voice} "Yeah?"

{Radio Hosts} "Hey Afiong, it is Cash and Bradley and we have a mutual friend, Skull - remember him?”

{Afiong nervously} “Yeah, hey, I remember him - we went out once.”

{Radio Hosts} “Yeah, we heard! We also heard you weren’t returning his calls. We were just curious about what went wrong on that first date to make you not call him back.”

{Afiong} “Well, it was all going great at first. He was a very handsome man. I saw him at the market and just knew I wanted to talk to him. Almost a love at first sight kind of deal.

Well, I decided to invite him home with me. He met my parents and made a great impression. We talked into the wee hours of the night and loved every second of it. In the morning he asked me to come with him to meet his mother back in his town. Of course, I was so infatuated with him I could think of nothing else to say but OMG YES! I was thinking maybe it was finally my turn to find true love and get married. So that evening we went over to his mom’s place - everything was going fine at first. But then, he just up and left me. He left me alone with his old, decrepit mother for the rest of the night! He didn’t even say where he was going or when he would be back. At first it wasn’t a big deal but then she kept asking me to do all these chores for her. And what was I supposed to say? I couldn’t tell this poor old lady no. So I cleaned her house, mowed her lawn, did her laundry and even gave her a pedicure. All before he ever came home. And then, he came home drunk! He left me with his mother to go get drunk with friends. Of course I was done at this point. I vowed never to answer his calls. He is not handsome enough to deal with all that drama.”

[The radio hosts were silent, struck with disbelief at this wild story.]

{Radio Hosts} “Wow. That is probably the best reason to not call back we have ever heard on this show. Sorry to spring this on you, but Skull is actually on the line listening. Skull, do you have anything to say for yourself?”

{Skull} “You and my mother were getting along so well. I got a text from my buddies to go out since I was in town and I figured you could manage alone for a bit.”

{Afiong}” Six hours! You were gone for six hours!”

{Skull} “Hey! We weren’t in a serious relationship. I didn’t feel like I needed to check in with you or tell you what I was doing. I can do whatever I want and be gone for as long as I want! I am my own person.”

{Afiong} “Yeah, you’re right. We weren’t in a serious relationship, which is even more of a reason to not leave me alone with your mother! Gosh, my parents were so right about you! You are a selfish jerk!”

{Skull} “Whatever, you weren’t that hot anyways!”

[Phone clicks.]

{Radio Hosts} “Wow… well, that got a bit more heated than we anticipated. Usually we offer a free meal to a couple who agree to try out a second date. But after that fiasco, it sounds like you need a dinner for one. So we will send you some free dinner coupons to try and help you forget that awful date.”

{Afiong} “OMG thank you guys so much! As awful as it was, it was a great learning experience. I now know that my parents' instincts have been around a lot longer than mine and are actually pretty reliable.”

Author’s Note: This retelling is based off a Nigerian tale about a girl who marries a skull from the spirit world. She is blinded by his false beauty and marries him against her parents' wishes. He then takes her home with him, which turns out to be the spirit world. He turns back into his ugly self and she is left to care for his old mother. In the original story the mother is actually pretty nice. She keeps the girl from being hurt by all the cannibals in the spirit world and then eventually helps her make an escape to her home town. When I read this story it got me thinking about this radio show I have heard where the radio hosts call people who went on a blind date to see what went wrong and try to hook them back up again. It is out of Tulsa, Oklahoma. I decided this Nigerian tale could make a good bad first date story, so I retold it as the radio show. I changed the ending a bit and didn’t use Skull’s mother as her escape from him. I just made it into a public fight instead. I kept all the names the same and the overarching lesson of trusting your parents the same as well because I feel like that is a great lesson to be learned. 

Bibliography: Folk Stories From Southern Nigeria by Elphinstone Dayrell (1910). The Disobedient Daughter Who Married a Skull

The Actual Hosts of Second Date